Funk.

I am in a funk and I can't seem to shake it. I'm not about to lose control or anything but I don't really like it. (And no, as funny as rereading that sentence is, I'm not a Pointer Sister.) This happens to me every once in a while: I get in one of my dreaded moods. I can't really pinpoint the cause (if there even is a cause.)

I start off very happy. The happiness turns to euphoria. I think that there must be something wrong with me because nobody should be this happy. Then I start stressing about how happy I am. Then I think that maybe I'm not happy at all but, instead, very depressed and pretending to be happy to compensate for my depression. Then I start thinking about everyone in the world who is not happy. I wish that I could give my happiness to them. Then I'm even more mad at myself for being happy because there's probably only so much happiness to go around. Then I get all fucked up and think that there is something terribly wrong with me. Why else would I be psychoanalyzing my happiness to the brink of hysterics?

These funks are sorta weird. If I had them more frequently I could probably determine what the cause is. But I don't have them regularly...maybe only once every 3-4 months. I don't know if it's change (shows closing, bad storms surprising everyone, my dog scratching himself to the point of ugly hair loss) or if it's a lack of change (I wake up, I go to work, I eat a crappy lunch, I smoke a few dozen cigarettes, I talk to a few people on the phone, I go home, I eat something, I read something, I watch something on TV, I talk to a few more people on the phone and then I go to bed...to do the same thing tomorrow.) We ALL deal with these things...don't get me wrong. I'm not putting myself in some sort of box of depression thinking that I'm the only one who lives in tedium. I normally deal quite well with these things. To be completely honest I'm not even stressing about these things right now. I said...I can't pinpoint it. All I know is that I'm in a funk.

People know when I'm in a funk, too. It's surprising to me because I can hardly tell when I'm in a funk myself. (I normally know when a funk is coming on because people give me that "Joey's in a funk" look. Without that look I might just keep doing what I'm doing and never know I'm in a funk...but deep down I probably would know, right? Probably. I would imagine.) My Grandmother looks at me with that "I should make him some pudding...he looks sad...or sick...or both...he likes pudding...I should make him pistachio pudding" look. I don't really like pudding but she thinks I do.

What is it like to be in a funk? We all have our own definitions (or am I the only one who gets in a funk? Oh, gosh...I hope not. That thought alone could put me into a deeper funk.) For me, being in a funk is eerily peaceful. I'm relaxed, I'm resigned to the fact that I'm in the funk. I don't think I smile as much as I normally do...not because I don't want to but because I don't realize I'm not smiling. My mind drifts. I sleep a lot more. I don't really care what I look like or if I take a shower (talk about a funk...hehe.) I don't really eat...my appetite is nada. I drink less alcohol (yes, surprisingly, that IS possible for me to do.) I just...am. Am what? I don't know. I am like a knick-knack on the mantle. I sit there and I observe.

I'll get out of this funk. Soon. I know it's not depression because I'm not really sad. I'm kind of apathetic. Not that I don't care, don't get me wrong. I care about many things. I just don't really have an opinion right now...about anything. I'm not depressed though. I've been depressed and this is not depression. It's a funk. Funk funk funk funk funk.

It will go away. Like I said...I'm eerily peaceful. (Eerie makes it sound spooky. It's not spooky.) Sometimes it's good to be in a funk, I think. Good is a relative term. Trust me.