Sunday, October 22, 2006


Oh, to lay down in bed and fall asleep. It's one of my most favorite things to do...assuming I can fall asleep. Sometimes I just lay in bed and stay awake recounting everything that's bothering me...that is not a favorite thing of mine.

I change positions about 17 times before I actually fall asleep. Literally. I have done it since I was 12 years old. I used to have panic attacks (a psychologist called them night terrors but I think she was loopy.) I remember my very first panic attack with clarity:

It was a normal day. I went to school, played with friends, came home to dinner, watched my stepfather watch football on tv, did my homework and went to bed. I was laying in bed and I partially fell know, the kind of dozing where you're aware of what's going on but you're still relaxed and dreaming. eyes felt very heavy and I wanted to open them but I couldn't. I seemed like I was caving in on myself. My blankets seemed to be suffocating me. I finally mustered the energy to open my eyes but when I did I could only look in one direction, at my clock radio. I wanted to turn over but I couldn't...I felt like a statue. Staring at the clock made me well aware of the time. I thought hours had passed but the clock only said it was one minute later. I was hyperventilating. I, somehow, got out of my bed and ran to my parent's least I thought I was running. I meant to bang on their door as loudly and quickly as I could but my arms moved slower than they might in quicksand. My stepfather came to the door and asked me if I was OK...I couldn't talk but I was crying. My Mom was worried about me but Edgy (that's my stepfather's name) took care of me. He walked me back to my room and laid with me until I fell asleep. I remember this like it was yesterday.

I've had these "night terrors" since then but I'm able to control them better now. I think that's because I change positions 17 times before I fall asleep...I'm worried that if I sleep in the position I start in, I'll have another attack.

Trust me...these panic attacks/night terrors are NO FUN. I'm fearing having one tonight due to my diatribe about it right now. I won't though, hopefully.

Anyway. When I do fall asleep (a peaceful sleep) I am in heaven. I wake up and want to sleep some more. I used to have an alarm clock that could be set to "snooze" just by waving my hand over it. I could only "snooze" it 5 times though and then it would shut off. This proved to be dangerous because I wouldn't know I was "snoozing" the alarm and then I'd be 3 hours late to work. I've since moved the alarm clock to the other side of the room.

Sleep...I love it. I want to sleep in all fucking day tomorrow.

If I have a panic attack when I take a daytime nap is it still called a NIGHT terror? Hmm.


Amanda said...

I have to agree, sleep is the best thing ever..but I dont understand why I can't do it enough. I think I would have to change my opinion to being "sleep is the best thing in the morning" That's about right.

Anonymous said...

Sleep is the best thing whenever I can get it. Waking up is the anti-Christ.