Suicidal ramblings.

I was online the other night updating my blog and checking my blogpatrol stats. (I love to check out who looks at my blog - I've found people from as far away as Malaysia looking at this thing.) I came across a blog title that interested me and I clicked on it...it was rather frightening.

This young man was documenting his contemplation of suicide. He is a great writer but a very dark writer. At first I thought he was writing for attention but then I noticed that I was only one of 2 other people that looked at the blog...I felt very sad. I read every single post he made and then I clicked on his profile. He had his e-mail address and IM name listed...so, of course, Joey had to contact him.

I e-mailed him and, within moments, he replied. Now...listen...it was not my intent to change his mind. I really wanted to find out what could make someone do this...or want to do this. We exchanged a few e-mails that night and then I boldly IMed him. We chatted for nearly two hours. We discussed suicide, depression, life in general, parents, girls, college...you name it. At the end of the conversation I thanked him and told him that he could get ahold of me if he needed to...I felt obligated but I also really wanted to make sure he had someone to talk to if he wanted/needed to.

The next day I looked at his blog and I felt happy. He had posted something that wasn't dark... In fact, it was uplifting. He said that he was in a better mood and that, even though the idea wasn't completely out of his mind, he didn't want to kill himself immediately...if ever. I felt very good about myself but, more importantly, his self-revelation.

Well, needless to say, I checked his blog again today. He is no longer happy. He was back to writing about suicide.

I don't know. Many people have told me that those who want to kill themselves do it. They don't normally tell the world that they're thinking about doing it. They leave that to a suicide note. On one hand I think that's what he's doing. On the other hand, I'm not so sure.

I instant messaged him again today and told him that I was sorry he was spiraling down once more. I told him that I wished I could help but that I was afraid I couldn't...there's not much I can do, I said. He thanked me for my help thus far...and said that he wasn't looking for sympathy. I told him that if that was the case shouldn't have posted his blog in a public forum. He agreed...and apparently made his blog private. I can't access it now.

If he was looking for attention via his blog...he's not anymore. It makes me sad. Suicide makes me sad. I feel helpless...but not as helpless as he does, I'm sure.

If you click on the photo included in this link (or click here, if you'd like) you'll be directed to www.hopeline.com. It's a website about suicide and for people who are or know of someone who is contemplating it. Check it out... If you're able to donate, please do. It's awful to think that there are people out there who feel like this is their only way out...but there are.

I'm not very religious but I will be saying a prayer tonight.