Wednesday, February 28, 2007

1,201 words...gimme a break.

OK, call me a slacker...I deserve it. HOWEVER - now that I'm not allowed to post from work (God knows why, I'm sure) I have been unable to find the time to actually post. Damn it all to Hell! (Couple that with the fact that nothing spectacular has happened in my life these past few days and you have the answer to the underlying question, "Why has Joe been slacking?")

Regardless... What has happened in my life that I want to share with ya'll? Very little, truth be told.

I officially placed my first order as a "Yummily Easy" consultant. (I'm not officially allowed to mention their name. Henceforth I will simply call them "the unnamed direct sales company: YE"...think of synonyms for "yummily" and "easy".) It's rather amusing...why I can't really talk about them. I got an e-mail from headquarters (that's YE's headquarters) telling me that I'm not allowed to post about their company on my, or anybody else's, website. It does make sense to me but I honestly felt a bit betrayed. I am selling their products, for Jesus' sake (oh, did you hear that they may have found his bones...putting the whole "back from the dead thing" in the spotlight?). But, to be fair, I do understand why they might not want people posting about them: people can be assholes. I merely posted (you can't find the post, I had to delete it) that I was excited to be selling their products and that I think they're a great company. Guess that's a no-no. Anyhow...I placed my first order for over $500 and I'm happy with myself.

Moving on...

I am still bartending at the Water Valley Inn in Hamburg (I think I'm allowed to mention their name). It is a lot of fun. Although I don't make a lot of money there, it is enough to pay for my gas and cigarettes (shut up). It's one or two days a week and the people there are is the food! One of the perks I have is getting a free meal whenever I work. This may sound paltry to you but the menu is huge and I can, more or less, order anything I want. There is a funny story to be told about the staff meals:

On my very first night there, I ordered the Reuben Sandwich Platter. I had not had a corned beef, sauerkraut, thousand island dressing on rye bread sandwich in a long time and I was hankering for one. I placed my order with the kitchen and was daydreaming about eating it until I got home. Once home, I changed into my pajamas and put on Top Chef...I made myself a cocktail and opened the to-go container of food to find a...NY Strip Steak, baked potato, corn, side salad and a roll. I was disappointed...but, even more so, worried that the person who had a hankering for steak was equally surprised to find my sandwich. I felt awful and embarrassed. I actually called the restaurant the next morning and told them I was sorry. They laughed it off. The next day I worked I realized that I had taken Lyn's food home by mistake. Well, long story longer, it happened again...this time, it wasn't my fault, however. I worked yesterday and asked the cook what was best on their specials menu. He told me that the Jack Daniels' BBQ Pork Chops were phenomenal... I started salivating. I told him to put the order in for me, to-go, and I would take it home when I was done. Well... Lyn got done with her tables a few hours before the bar closed, took her meal, and went home. I finished up my cleaning, took MY meal and did the same thing. WELL... SHE, yes Lyn, took MY meal this time... I got stuck with fried chicken and macaroni salad. Ah, karma... (I have to admit that it was amazing honey fried chicken and I was secretly happy that she made this mistake...I know what I'm going to order next time!)

Is this whole post boring you to death?? Probably. Sorry. No, not really... If you're bored to death stop reading the damn thing, damn it... Fuck, fuck, fuck... I feel like swearing... Sorry Mom.

Oh, speaking of my Mom...

My car has been making a nightmarish sound for the past week. It starts off as a creak in the morning; it moves on to a constant banging in the afternoon; it turns into a wooden roller coaster noise by the evening. I thought my car was going to fall apart...and it's a 2005! I knew that I was going to need to take it to the dealer to find out what was wrong but I was dreading the diagnosis and, more importantly, the repair bill. Finally, this morning, I took it to West Herr Ford to find out. I sat in the waiting room for about 1.5 hours. (Oh, the whole "Mom" reference...she works there.) The garage manager came over to me, very serious-like, and told me what was wrong. He mentioned foreign words like, "stabilizer", "bushing", "hex nut", "metal" and "wheel" to me. I nodded my head like I knew what any of those words meant...waiting to hear that I needed to sell my soul to pay for the damn thing. (I have to digress and tell you that I went into the whole shop with the sinking feeling that I was going spend hundreds of dollars...this seemed to confirm that suspicion.) He then said, "well, would you like me to call your MOTHER or would you like to hear the cost." My heart sank. I felt like a little boy at a candy store without enough money to buy what I wanted. Why would he want to call my Mother? I mean, I know that she works there and that she made the appointment for me call her to disclose the repair costs?? This sounded huge. I told him that he could call her if he wanted to but that I wanted to know how much before she is MY car after all. He said (and I swear to God he took a deep breath for the sake of making this situation even more stressful for me), "About eighty dollars." I was, honestly, thrilled...and a little baffled why he thought I would be staggered by the price. Needless to say, when it was all said and done, and I got back into my car, I was very happy. It is VERY unnerving to have a creaking car and not know what's wrong with it or how much it costs. It purrs like a baby now. (Isn't that what car people say when their car is running well??)

I'm afraid, dear readers, that I'm done writing for now. I hope that this post satiated you until next time. I'm certain that I have a lot more to tell you but, if you've made it this far, you're probably already bored enough.

As Bugs Bunny used to say... "Good fucking night, folks. I'm exhausted and embarrassed that I feel the need to apologize for not posting in over a week."

Happy March.


Anonymous said...

Hello Darling Brother! Great blog, I wasn't bored for a second. The suspense of how much your car was going to cost was killing me. I tried to skim ahead and looked for a dollar amount, but you were tricky and wrote out eighty! Talk to you soon, call me, I love you! ***Katie***

Anonymous said...

Hey Joe,
You are a really gifted writer! I enjoy reading your prose. You make even mundate life events seem interesting. Call me. Love ya,
Aunt Chris