Funk.

I am in a funk and I can't seem to shake it. I'm not about to lose control or anything but I don't really like it. (And no, as funny as rereading that sentence is, I'm not a Pointer Sister.) This happens to me every once in a while: I get in one of my dreaded moods. I can't really pinpoint the cause (if there even is a cause.)

I start off very happy. The happiness turns to euphoria. I think that there must be something wrong with me because nobody should be this happy. Then I start stressing about how happy I am. Then I think that maybe I'm not happy at all but, instead, very depressed and pretending to be happy to compensate for my depression. Then I start thinking about everyone in the world who is not happy. I wish that I could give my happiness to them. Then I'm even more mad at myself for being happy because there's probably only so much happiness to go around. Then I get all fucked up and think that there is something terribly wrong with me. Why else would I be psychoanalyzing my happiness to the brink of hysterics?

These funks are sorta weird. If I had them more frequently I could probably determine what the cause is. But I don't have them regularly...maybe only once every 3-4 months. I don't know if it's change (shows closing, bad storms surprising everyone, my dog scratching himself to the point of ugly hair loss) or if it's a lack of change (I wake up, I go to work, I eat a crappy lunch, I smoke a few dozen cigarettes, I talk to a few people on the phone, I go home, I eat something, I read something, I watch something on TV, I talk to a few more people on the phone and then I go to bed...to do the same thing tomorrow.) We ALL deal with these things...don't get me wrong. I'm not putting myself in some sort of box of depression thinking that I'm the only one who lives in tedium. I normally deal quite well with these things. To be completely honest I'm not even stressing about these things right now. I said...I can't pinpoint it. All I know is that I'm in a funk.

People know when I'm in a funk, too. It's surprising to me because I can hardly tell when I'm in a funk myself. (I normally know when a funk is coming on because people give me that "Joey's in a funk" look. Without that look I might just keep doing what I'm doing and never know I'm in a funk...but deep down I probably would know, right? Probably. I would imagine.) My Grandmother looks at me with that "I should make him some pudding...he looks sad...or sick...or both...he likes pudding...I should make him pistachio pudding" look. I don't really like pudding but she thinks I do.

What is it like to be in a funk? We all have our own definitions (or am I the only one who gets in a funk? Oh, gosh...I hope not. That thought alone could put me into a deeper funk.) For me, being in a funk is eerily peaceful. I'm relaxed, I'm resigned to the fact that I'm in the funk. I don't think I smile as much as I normally do...not because I don't want to but because I don't realize I'm not smiling. My mind drifts. I sleep a lot more. I don't really care what I look like or if I take a shower (talk about a funk...hehe.) I don't really eat...my appetite is nada. I drink less alcohol (yes, surprisingly, that IS possible for me to do.) I just...am. Am what? I don't know. I am like a knick-knack on the mantle. I sit there and I observe.

I'll get out of this funk. Soon. I know it's not depression because I'm not really sad. I'm kind of apathetic. Not that I don't care, don't get me wrong. I care about many things. I just don't really have an opinion right now...about anything. I'm not depressed though. I've been depressed and this is not depression. It's a funk. Funk funk funk funk funk.

It will go away. Like I said...I'm eerily peaceful. (Eerie makes it sound spooky. It's not spooky.) Sometimes it's good to be in a funk, I think. Good is a relative term. Trust me.

Suicidal ramblings.

I was online the other night updating my blog and checking my blogpatrol stats. (I love to check out who looks at my blog - I've found people from as far away as Malaysia looking at this thing.) I came across a blog title that interested me and I clicked on it...it was rather frightening.

This young man was documenting his contemplation of suicide. He is a great writer but a very dark writer. At first I thought he was writing for attention but then I noticed that I was only one of 2 other people that looked at the blog...I felt very sad. I read every single post he made and then I clicked on his profile. He had his e-mail address and IM name listed...so, of course, Joey had to contact him.

I e-mailed him and, within moments, he replied. Now...listen...it was not my intent to change his mind. I really wanted to find out what could make someone do this...or want to do this. We exchanged a few e-mails that night and then I boldly IMed him. We chatted for nearly two hours. We discussed suicide, depression, life in general, parents, girls, college...you name it. At the end of the conversation I thanked him and told him that he could get ahold of me if he needed to...I felt obligated but I also really wanted to make sure he had someone to talk to if he wanted/needed to.

The next day I looked at his blog and I felt happy. He had posted something that wasn't dark... In fact, it was uplifting. He said that he was in a better mood and that, even though the idea wasn't completely out of his mind, he didn't want to kill himself immediately...if ever. I felt very good about myself but, more importantly, his self-revelation.

Well, needless to say, I checked his blog again today. He is no longer happy. He was back to writing about suicide.

I don't know. Many people have told me that those who want to kill themselves do it. They don't normally tell the world that they're thinking about doing it. They leave that to a suicide note. On one hand I think that's what he's doing. On the other hand, I'm not so sure.

I instant messaged him again today and told him that I was sorry he was spiraling down once more. I told him that I wished I could help but that I was afraid I couldn't...there's not much I can do, I said. He thanked me for my help thus far...and said that he wasn't looking for sympathy. I told him that if that was the case shouldn't have posted his blog in a public forum. He agreed...and apparently made his blog private. I can't access it now.

If he was looking for attention via his blog...he's not anymore. It makes me sad. Suicide makes me sad. I feel helpless...but not as helpless as he does, I'm sure.

If you click on the photo included in this link (or click here, if you'd like) you'll be directed to www.hopeline.com. It's a website about suicide and for people who are or know of someone who is contemplating it. Check it out... If you're able to donate, please do. It's awful to think that there are people out there who feel like this is their only way out...but there are.

I'm not very religious but I will be saying a prayer tonight.

What makes me happy?

I was listening to the radio this morning and they were asking "what makes you happy". I think they're trying to promote happiness in all this chaos. Well, needless to say, it got me thinking.

Here's an honest list of some of the things that truly make me happy:

• Sleeping in and waking up when I want to - without an alarm.
• Reading a really good book - without distractions - on the beach.
• Holding a sleeping baby.
• Getting a phone call from someone who "just wanted to say hello".
• Weddings.
• Listening to my Mother tell stories about my childhood.
• Taking long walks - this helps me think.
• Giving gifts.
• Fresh flowers.
• Winning money at a casino.
• Seeing an elderly couple holding hands.
• Being loved.
• Making dinner and having people tell me it tasted really great.
• Decorating for Christmas.
• Buying things...I love to spend money.

You know what? It's kind of difficult to list things that make you happy. It's tough. I'm looking at this list and asking myself why I don't do some of these things more often (taking long walks, calling my Mother, giving more gifts.)

It's the small things. The everyday occurrences that make me happy: telling the cashier I like her earrings; being told I have a nice smile; having someone smile at me just to make me smile.

I'm not trying to be all heady and philosophical...but - Do we sometimes overlook the small things because we're in a mood? Probably. Should we try to look for the small things or "stop to smell the roses"? Yeah. I'm going to try.

Eternal optimist I'm not. Totally not. I'm going to try to find something - each day, out of the ordinary - that makes me happy. Just anticipating this newfound happiness makes me smile.

What makes you happy?

How rude...

Wanna Smoke with Daddy?

I don't see it...