Monkey Suit.

It's funny how infrequently people wear a tuxedo. I shouldn't really say "funny" or "people", should I? I mean, men are the only one's who wear tuxedos (for the most part) and there's really nothing funny about the frequency a man wears one... I just thought it was a good start in describing what's on my mind right now.

I used to work for Tuxedo Junction. For four years I worked for Tuxedo Junction. One of the first things we learned is that the average man wears a tuxedo 2 1/2 times in his life. His wedding, his child's wedding and, possibly, his prom. I own 3 tuxedos and I have worn one at least 2 1/2 times per year. Where in God's name do they get their statistics from?!

Why is it? Men, for well over 150 years, have worn the same goddamn monkey suit to a formal affair. Women get to wear gowns. "Gowns." That is so ambiguous it's not funny. The word "gown" makes it sound glamorous...it ain't. Say, "dress with sparkly beads" or "see-through chiffon with pasties." Honestly. Women can wear anything...they're innately sexy for Christ's sake. Men have to wear cardboard pants with a jacket (a jacket in which the man is unable to MOVE!) Add a piece of cloth that is so tight around your fucking neck and a band of fabric cinched around your waist. I mean, come on. If we have to do this, I think women should still wear lace-up girdles and large hats on Easter. Give me a break.

Now...don't get me wrong. I think men look hot in tuxedos. I think there's something very sexy about James Bond. BUT...is it really necessary? Really?

I suppose the main reason I'm so antsy about the whole monkey suit is because I have to wear one at 5-fucking-30-in-the-AM on Friday...for a 3 minute stint on some local television news "early show"...because it's "funny."

I'd much rather show up in a jock strap and a string of pearls...call me old fashioned.